those times you’re accidently prejudice

I had a classic one of these today while in the car with the kids nan.

we were discussing teaching within schools and she proclaimed.

“Mr *** is a great teacher, I mean hes gay, but, hes a great teacher”

like

is it surprising that gay people make good teachers?

are they not meant too?

was the “but” necessary?

id of been happy enough to know he was a great teacher, I highly doubt his sexual preferences will pop up in any tests.

just last week I had another classic from one we shall call Bitchy Accidental Racist.

when describing her boyfriends mum she used the words.

“obviously hes mixed race, but his mum is black like REALLY black”

 

as opposed too?….

tepidly black?

apathetically black?

 

you’d never hear someone use the words,

shes white, I mean REALLY WHITE.

 

don’t get this post wrong, I hate how far political correctness is shoved up our arses, I have a (really black) friend who uses racial slur on himself.

just as I have a friend (but hes gay) of whom I tell is camp ALL the time.

 

I just find it amusing that in trying to be nice people can sound like complete twats about it.

especially the kids nan, and shes ginger, I mean REALLY ginger.

 

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monday, its my friday.

seriously, as a mother Monday is the best day of my week.

its not that I don’t feel sorry for you working folk who’ve come off the back of a nice weekend away from the office, its that im thankful you’re all back at work/school. you’re weekends off are my, everybody’s in my house all the time without 5 mins to have a piss let alone anything else.

the house can stay clean for more than two minutes.

I had breakfast without any body demanding what’s on my plate.

nobody’s arguing.

nobody’s asking for anything.

there isn’t incessant banging coming from upstairs.

and wait….wtfs that?…fucking hell I can hear myself think.

its been fantastic having you all home and spending time with you and all that crap but frankly I await Monday with baited breath.

im going to have a coffee ūüôā

 

diet day 6

I would actually eat your face right now.

your whole face.

im a person who’s diet used to consist of 20 units of alcohol per day and then went to whatever I baked in the morning/afternoon, probably averaging 2000 calories a day (after giving up smoking/drinking) so to say im not used to limiting my intake is an understatement.

my morning cake for breakfast, is now a shake.

my lunchtime greasy pizza is now a shake

and my lamb and veg dinner, is now soup and possibly a bread roll depending on the calorie intake.

my body HATES me.

I found myself looking up the calorie content of ALL chocolate bars yesterday, because I like to be fucking depressed!

its not like im typically “fat” I weighed 137lbs at the beginning of this, six days later im down to 134 lbs.

ideally I want to get down to 115.

I used to stray around 100.

you know what I hate… lbs….im British. I like stone.

134 lbs, sounds like im a fucking ogre.

oh well, ill carry on because one day I WILL get into all the clothes I buy without looking like im about to give birth, or did so yesterday.

fuck you mummy tummy.

fuuuuuccccckkkkkk yyyoooooouuuuu!

chocolate!!

or you know.

2 slim fast shakes,

and a bowel of soup.

yeah.

im writing this while tucking into the most disgustingly grey mulchy looking bowl of dog slo I have ever seen. lease observe for yourself:

wpid-20130621_181240.jpg

fecking horrid right?

this is day three of the shakes and soup diet, no snacks.

if your dieting, why the toss are you still eating the “allowed” 3 snacks a day.

they are allowed, NOT needed, don’t be a dick and eat 3 200 calorie snacks and then wonder why you’re arse is still fat.

just because your drinking the shakes like their some magical fucking cure for your laziness.

ill tell you why they “allow” you to have 3 snacks.

so it takes longer for you to loose weight and you’ll SPEND MORE money on their products!

anyway, im not enjoying my diet as you might have guessed, but until these last few dress sizes take the hint ill stock up on vomit in a can.

that’s no alcohol

no cigarettes

no sugar

no gluten

and now no food

im thinking of cutting out oxygen next, least I wont have to worry about my calorie intake.

If Theres Not Poo On The Walls..

I know im still asleep.

 

I HATE poo smearing!

now I know, son, that you are on a metaphorical island and I, alas am on another, I do my best to hike across that flimsy rope bridge day by day, but im just not sure I want to venture into an isle of which we paint with our shit.

even for your wonderfully autistic brain, I find it a push that poo painting would be considered a good idea.

so why do it?

does one not like the bathroom purple?

or was I meant to get that by the shit smeared hands and the jumping and shouting “the correct answer is iguana!” which, by the way I totally knew….all be it I have no idea what the question was.

I suppose to be fair to you, you are no different from half the “artists” I see today.

but I think your taking the:

~ Improve my tolerance of messy play

that’s on your ace plan to the extreme. I get it, you can stop now.

mummys autistic nose hates you :/

maybe if I got you some stencils you could actually make something, like, I dunno the bat signal.

shatman..

I like it.

 

 

Let Me Eat Cake!

ive gone wheat and gluten free!

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father sperm donor is a coeliac, I get tummy pains, bloating. and with my hypochondriacs, anxiety and ocd. its either coeliac, a wheat intolerance, or I have stomach cancer/an alien living inside me ready to pop out at any given minute.

now, those who know me will know that id actually prefer it to be the latter, I hate thinking something’s horribly wrong, only to be proved otherwise, its a swift metaphorical kick in my balls for my pride.

so, yeah, im dying.

but just to disprove other theories, I have gone wheat/gluten free. I actually feel alright.

the food is more than acceptable, ive often herd my wheat intolerant friend moan about prices and tastes of free from food, and to her I say fuck you.

ive been 2 days on this diet and already I know your being a picky bitch laura! yes you laura. you whos never on twitter. I didn’t notice the difference in toast with my full English this morning.

and thanks to the marvellous @Ursweetqueenb on twitter (go follow, shes amazing, shes my blog RT fairy, autism warrior extraordinaire and gluten free momma) im excited about trying new recipes, of which I will not have to share with any fecker in the house because there all pulling shitty faces at my free from range, for once im not hiding my macaroons.

the prospect of spending money on new food sources is intriguing and appealing to me, because I spend, as you all know, like money is piss to me. im allowed too, I don’t smoke/drink/have fun. and I work fucking hard. so sue me.

and if all comes back clear and I have just spent 6 weeks gluten free for an apparent nothingness, well ill be healthier and its just one things I can cross off my list of things I think I have and move onto the next…

which is….

testicular cancer.

ill look forward to testing for that one.

 

Phone Elves.

im a girl of little friends.
I made a decision to stop drinking and going out and in the process I lost the majority of my friends.

shortly afterwards I found the internet, now im one of those people who blogs and tweets rather than partys and socialises.

you may call me boring (many do) but there are advantages to opening my life to phone elves.

1. you guys don’t make an almighty mess in my house and then fuck off leaving me to clean it all up. just because my house is clean doesn’t mean I enjoy doing it.

2. when you start to bore me I can close an app. this does not work with real people and closing doors. they don’t take to it too kindly.

3. I don’t have to get dressed in order to have a civil conversation.

4. I can recite a monologue while gorging on a double decker, and you’re none the wiser.

5. as your all the other end of a PC I like to imagine you all have alter egos, Irish cross dressers called mindy on a Tuesday? you know who you are.

6. I can be who I am. that’s odd isn’t it, most people pretend on the internet, I pretend in real life, pretend to be interested in what your saying, pretend to be normal.

7. theres always someone there for you at 4am, because that’s when your English friends are tucked up in bed, but your USA friends are out to play ;~)

8. I socialise all day every day with my “phone friends” and the OH cant complain because in not actually out.

9. im over opinionated, bitchy and outspoken, its nice to know someone always wants to know what I have to say, ive been saying that for years now.

I wouldn’t trade you virtu-buddies in for anyone.

ya’ll right you boring feckers.