monday, its my friday.

seriously, as a mother Monday is the best day of my week.

its not that I don’t feel sorry for you working folk who’ve come off the back of a nice weekend away from the office, its that im thankful you’re all back at work/school. you’re weekends off are my, everybody’s in my house all the time without 5 mins to have a piss let alone anything else.

the house can stay clean for more than two minutes.

I had breakfast without any body demanding what’s on my plate.

nobody’s arguing.

nobody’s asking for anything.

there isn’t incessant banging coming from upstairs.

and wait….wtfs that?…fucking hell I can hear myself think.

its been fantastic having you all home and spending time with you and all that crap but frankly I await Monday with baited breath.

im going to have a coffee 🙂

 

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If Theres Not Poo On The Walls..

I know im still asleep.

 

I HATE poo smearing!

now I know, son, that you are on a metaphorical island and I, alas am on another, I do my best to hike across that flimsy rope bridge day by day, but im just not sure I want to venture into an isle of which we paint with our shit.

even for your wonderfully autistic brain, I find it a push that poo painting would be considered a good idea.

so why do it?

does one not like the bathroom purple?

or was I meant to get that by the shit smeared hands and the jumping and shouting “the correct answer is iguana!” which, by the way I totally knew….all be it I have no idea what the question was.

I suppose to be fair to you, you are no different from half the “artists” I see today.

but I think your taking the:

~ Improve my tolerance of messy play

that’s on your ace plan to the extreme. I get it, you can stop now.

mummys autistic nose hates you :/

maybe if I got you some stencils you could actually make something, like, I dunno the bat signal.

shatman..

I like it.

 

 

Things Ive Done With My Week Away

every so often its good to give yourself a week away from the ties of social media.

whilst not blogging/tweeting/facebooking I have achieved the following.

1. I am THIS [—] close to prestigeing on C.O.D black ops 2. like thiiiisssss close. which concideing my score card usually looks like this

kills – 4. deaths – 34.

is a pretty good achievement id say. bluuup.

2. I have eaten 2 boxes and 10 small bags of cadburys fingers. I do yes, feel a tad sick.

3. speaking of sick, poor toes has been layed up with a tummy bug although clearly we still have time to dress up,

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well who dosent, a massive ginger fro is vital to all living I assume.

4. Super Fem Veggie Tosspot came to visit. took loads of presents home and rode back to whence she came! never to be seen again, until she needs a home cooked meal.

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5. The hairdressers rectified my appauling hair I spent lots of money on by actually giving me blonde highlights…

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seriously, don’t humour me, im aware its STILL not blonde, how fucking hard can it be. well tbh at least its somewhere close this time, you incompetent cowbag.

6. ive upset Father…shit happens ey? maybe he’ll stop fucking coming round…take a hint?…sod offski?…I mean the man hates football, clearly hes the son of Satan.

mostly ive just been chilling out, getting the most out of the xbox before One comes out in November and our poor 360 gets shelved, but that’s another post altogether.

anywhoo im back, for now, you know me, im flakey.

mom, stop reading, do some work, and get that thing printed off for me, safe, blud.

Something Up My Sleeve

admit it you’ve all pulled out the Autism card at one point or another just because you can, not because you need too.

come for dinner, with your mother?…oh….I would, I totally would, but Faces really not doing good you know autism and all.

family holiday? with the in-laws….yeah I just don’t think Face is upto it.

I would have called you back but you know my house always screaming!

 

today im pulling out the card on my father (shivers) which is the….third…time ive done it in a row with regards to not being able to see him, ive had about 20 meetings at faces school these past few weeks, nudge nudge.

id be bollock’s if he ever asked what they were about.

ive often wondered if I should feel guilty about lying about my sons disability, but then to be fair its not often I have to lie.

my house is normally a war zone,

I do normally have unlimited number of appointments

and no gas man you cant come in because Face is naked jumping on the sink.

so is it really that bad to play the autism card once in a while.

I mean as special needs parents we deserve a benefit every now and again and if that means I don’t have to spend time with my fuck wit of a father, well then I consider that a bonus for everyone really.

of course maybe I do it too much.

one day face asked if he could have the laptop.

I say asked, he edged closer and closer and screamed in my face.

and when I said no.

he clearly and firmly held his ground, put his chin up and stated

“Autism”

 

well done son

gotta work with what you’ve got!

Would You Like Vomit With That?

Its been one of those weeks when just as I think everything’s quiet, BAM! there’s vomit on my shoes, down my top, on the new sofa, and yep…its in my tea.

this is the culprit

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Fry, you bloody beautiful child.

why so much sick?

I admit he doesn’t much look like that photo at the moment. what with the pale eyes, black bags and vomit coming from him nose. (he must look like me)

last night I found out what rice pudding looks like coming back up, better than it fecking smells I can tell you that much.

its half term, its nice (ish) weather, and I can only look at freedom from behind my double glazed windows, which clearly need washing.

also.

why when babies are sick, does their poo turn into watered down korma? I mean really? how many pyjamas were ruined during the making of this illness?

anyway, that’s where ive been/where im going.

head first back into the land of runny shit and vomit.

if anyone wants to bring my a full contamination suit it would be greatly appreciated.

 

parenting inspection.

this morning I have a home visit from Faces home school liaison.

its about dentistry and other tediously boring things.

so why on all of these visits, do I run around like someone’s lit my arse on fire, because my minds telling me that they will judge my parenting abilities on how clean my skirting boards are?

I swear this cant just be me, I can be the only one who over reacts on home visit day.

its like someone’s just flicked a switch in me that says these fuckers are here to judge me on every aspect of my life. Faces room has never been as clean as it is now, and I guarantee you they wont leave the lounge! but best to clean the upstairs light switches just in case right?

what are the chances they’ll look in my kitchen cupboards?

best alphabetize the soup.

Nazis, there home school liaison Nazis, must conform to every little detail my mind thinks of.

must turn the television onto the news channel and ignore the fact the cartoon network is usually on all day in our house.

put healthy snacks on the sideboard, hope they don’t see the disgusted look frys giving them.

speaking of fry, he needs a bath, is that a scratch on his face? oh god they’ll think I abuse him.

do I offer coffee? its rude not too, but then if I do I risk leaving them alone in my house where they could discover the dead body under the floorboards….

make myself a tea, relax, all the housework’s done, the kids are fine, everything’s going to be ok. its just a visit from people wanting some paperwork filled out.

just going to lock my sex dungeon…just incase..