If Theres Not Poo On The Walls..

I know im still asleep.


I HATE poo smearing!

now I know, son, that you are on a metaphorical island and I, alas am on another, I do my best to hike across that flimsy rope bridge day by day, but im just not sure I want to venture into an isle of which we paint with our shit.

even for your wonderfully autistic brain, I find it a push that poo painting would be considered a good idea.

so why do it?

does one not like the bathroom purple?

or was I meant to get that by the shit smeared hands and the jumping and shouting “the correct answer is iguana!” which, by the way I totally knew….all be it I have no idea what the question was.

I suppose to be fair to you, you are no different from half the “artists” I see today.

but I think your taking the:

~ Improve my tolerance of messy play

that’s on your ace plan to the extreme. I get it, you can stop now.

mummys autistic nose hates you :/

maybe if I got you some stencils you could actually make something, like, I dunno the bat signal.


I like it.




Something Up My Sleeve

admit it you’ve all pulled out the Autism card at one point or another just because you can, not because you need too.

come for dinner, with your mother?…oh….I would, I totally would, but Faces really not doing good you know autism and all.

family holiday? with the in-laws….yeah I just don’t think Face is upto it.

I would have called you back but you know my house always screaming!


today im pulling out the card on my father (shivers) which is the….third…time ive done it in a row with regards to not being able to see him, ive had about 20 meetings at faces school these past few weeks, nudge nudge.

id be bollock’s if he ever asked what they were about.

ive often wondered if I should feel guilty about lying about my sons disability, but then to be fair its not often I have to lie.

my house is normally a war zone,

I do normally have unlimited number of appointments

and no gas man you cant come in because Face is naked jumping on the sink.

so is it really that bad to play the autism card once in a while.

I mean as special needs parents we deserve a benefit every now and again and if that means I don’t have to spend time with my fuck wit of a father, well then I consider that a bonus for everyone really.

of course maybe I do it too much.

one day face asked if he could have the laptop.

I say asked, he edged closer and closer and screamed in my face.

and when I said no.

he clearly and firmly held his ground, put his chin up and stated



well done son

gotta work with what you’ve got!

parenting inspection.

this morning I have a home visit from Faces home school liaison.

its about dentistry and other tediously boring things.

so why on all of these visits, do I run around like someone’s lit my arse on fire, because my minds telling me that they will judge my parenting abilities on how clean my skirting boards are?

I swear this cant just be me, I can be the only one who over reacts on home visit day.

its like someone’s just flicked a switch in me that says these fuckers are here to judge me on every aspect of my life. Faces room has never been as clean as it is now, and I guarantee you they wont leave the lounge! but best to clean the upstairs light switches just in case right?

what are the chances they’ll look in my kitchen cupboards?

best alphabetize the soup.

Nazis, there home school liaison Nazis, must conform to every little detail my mind thinks of.

must turn the television onto the news channel and ignore the fact the cartoon network is usually on all day in our house.

put healthy snacks on the sideboard, hope they don’t see the disgusted look frys giving them.

speaking of fry, he needs a bath, is that a scratch on his face? oh god they’ll think I abuse him.

do I offer coffee? its rude not too, but then if I do I risk leaving them alone in my house where they could discover the dead body under the floorboards….

make myself a tea, relax, all the housework’s done, the kids are fine, everything’s going to be ok. its just a visit from people wanting some paperwork filled out.

just going to lock my sex dungeon…just incase..

meow, meow

not the drugs…
you guys…




its a book!

(for those of you who don’t know what one looks like)

Face is reading it!

yeah you herd me, reading literature!…well its no works of plato but its a bloody start!

clearly we are only getting a response because its a cat book, one does love the felines.

I cant tell the school because we’re not meant to be encouraging his cat obsession, but fuck em ey, if it works why the hell not! anyway im being a proud mommy, who hasn’t had to listen to fucking echolalia for 10 minutes. its like being given a million pounds, or a date with per mertesacker (I have a bit of a football related crush, you giant fabulous man you)

here is how our bedroom routine looked today 😀



beautiful huh!

hope all you autism parents had a ace day!

im having a victory rolo desert….mmmm


Bank Holiday Weekend

in the sun!

go figure!


just 2 small problems with that statement.

1. we have yet to find a sun cream Face isn’t allergic too.

2. Face hates sunshine, hes like me in that sense, the slightest hint of heat and we cower away into a dark room with all the windows open until the summer goes away. like reverse hibernation.

Face had his first dry night this weekend 😀

largely due to the fact that I had forgotten to buy nappies, terrible parenting I know. but for the first time ever at 71/2 years of age he went through the whole night dry (I say whole night, his whole night consists of bed at 11, up at 5) id like to say it lasted but we were back to changing sheets as the sun came up this morning, but hey its happened once, I have faith it will happen again!

Toes is enjoying the sunshine, and I am enjoying her enjoying it. shes one of those children who attaches themselves to your calves and never fucks off. but now she can be in the garden! fuck yeah 😀

anywho, there was gardening, and family outings, black ops and eating.

all in all the most successful bank holiday in a while.


AutieLocks and the Tired Mommys.

one days a small, loud, angry boy was walking through the house, when he started to feel peckish, he looked around for something tasty to eat.

he picked up the biggest thing he could find, an armchair, but BAH the armchair was toooo fabricy.

he picked up the Most expensive thing he could find, but the Xbox was tooooo electricky.

then he picked up the most disgusting thing he could see, and the urine soaked toilet tissue was juuussstttt right, so he ate and he ate and he ate it all up!

he continued his journey through the house, but soon the little boy was starting to feel uncomfortable, so he tries to find somewhere to sit.

he sat on the most awkward thing in the house, but the radiator was toooo hot,

so he sat on the most fragile thing in the house, but mommys ornament’s were tooo breaking under his fat arse.

eventually he found somewhere that was jussttt right, the dining room table :/

after having a rest on the table, he realised that he wasn’t being quite noisy enough! this would never do, he thought to himself. so he went on a journey to find something to make lots of noise with , he tried soo many things,

he tried to make noise on the windows! but they were too smashy.

so he tried to make some noise on the phones! but they broke very easily.

finally he realised if he banged his head continuously into a doorframe, that would make a wonderful sound, for all to hear, especially if he screamed whilst doing it, 🙂

after all this eating and screaming and headbutting he was starting to feel a Tad sleepy not   not sleepy at all! (ffs)

but the Three NeuroTypicals returned to the room.

“seriously , is bedtime,” said the mommy NT

“xbox, off” the daddy NT said

“whys he eating my dolls face” the sister NT said.

But the little boy couldn’t find anywhere he wanted to sleep

so he screamed….





The End.



Parenting By The Skin Of My Teeth

This week in autism land it has been mostly overcast with several stormy patches.

I feel like since returning to school/going on holiday (but ill say returning to school because its probably their fault not mine) Face has gone through a period of regression, this happens once in a while, something will set him back months, maybe sometimes even years.

its highly frustrating to watch as a parent, having put so much time and effort into getting them to a stage of ability for them to loose it overnight, but nay it is inevitable as im sure all you autism parents will agree.

our regression has included eating EVERYTHING. toilet rolls mostly, whole ones at a time, needless to say I cant exactly remove the toilet rolls (that was a shock for Toes this morning) self harm, im expecting him to pull out his nails any day now, he is also covered in bruises from hitting and head butting. and a communicational regression, highly frustrating, as a sever low functioning autistic we work amazingly hard to get any form of communication from him and usually that’s in the form of echolalia.

everything and I mean EVERYTHING is answered with car insurance adverts, the whole things, beginning to end.

the biggest part of every regression patch he goes through is the noise.

never in my years on earth have I found myself wanting to not be able to hear so much. he is generally noisy but during these patches the levels get beyond unbearable, I often find myself shouting to be quiet, with no prevail as it normally just makes the situation worse.

my headache has been going on for 4 days now, coincidently as long as this sodding noise has been going on.

this week has been hard, ill be happy to see the back of it to be honest.

the score thus far,

Autism 10 – 0 Mommy

im not giving very good odds for next week either.

wheres that vallium?