Would You Like Vomit With That?

Its been one of those weeks when just as I think everything’s quiet, BAM! there’s vomit on my shoes, down my top, on the new sofa, and yep…its in my tea.

this is the culprit

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Fry, you bloody beautiful child.

why so much sick?

I admit he doesn’t much look like that photo at the moment. what with the pale eyes, black bags and vomit coming from him nose. (he must look like me)

last night I found out what rice pudding looks like coming back up, better than it fecking smells I can tell you that much.

its half term, its nice (ish) weather, and I can only look at freedom from behind my double glazed windows, which clearly need washing.

also.

why when babies are sick, does their poo turn into watered down korma? I mean really? how many pyjamas were ruined during the making of this illness?

anyway, that’s where ive been/where im going.

head first back into the land of runny shit and vomit.

if anyone wants to bring my a full contamination suit it would be greatly appreciated.

 

Let Me Eat Cake!

ive gone wheat and gluten free!

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father sperm donor is a coeliac, I get tummy pains, bloating. and with my hypochondriacs, anxiety and ocd. its either coeliac, a wheat intolerance, or I have stomach cancer/an alien living inside me ready to pop out at any given minute.

now, those who know me will know that id actually prefer it to be the latter, I hate thinking something’s horribly wrong, only to be proved otherwise, its a swift metaphorical kick in my balls for my pride.

so, yeah, im dying.

but just to disprove other theories, I have gone wheat/gluten free. I actually feel alright.

the food is more than acceptable, ive often herd my wheat intolerant friend moan about prices and tastes of free from food, and to her I say fuck you.

ive been 2 days on this diet and already I know your being a picky bitch laura! yes you laura. you whos never on twitter. I didn’t notice the difference in toast with my full English this morning.

and thanks to the marvellous @Ursweetqueenb on twitter (go follow, shes amazing, shes my blog RT fairy, autism warrior extraordinaire and gluten free momma) im excited about trying new recipes, of which I will not have to share with any fecker in the house because there all pulling shitty faces at my free from range, for once im not hiding my macaroons.

the prospect of spending money on new food sources is intriguing and appealing to me, because I spend, as you all know, like money is piss to me. im allowed too, I don’t smoke/drink/have fun. and I work fucking hard. so sue me.

and if all comes back clear and I have just spent 6 weeks gluten free for an apparent nothingness, well ill be healthier and its just one things I can cross off my list of things I think I have and move onto the next…

which is….

testicular cancer.

ill look forward to testing for that one.

 

parenting inspection.

this morning I have a home visit from Faces home school liaison.

its about dentistry and other tediously boring things.

so why on all of these visits, do I run around like someone’s lit my arse on fire, because my minds telling me that they will judge my parenting abilities on how clean my skirting boards are?

I swear this cant just be me, I can be the only one who over reacts on home visit day.

its like someone’s just flicked a switch in me that says these fuckers are here to judge me on every aspect of my life. Faces room has never been as clean as it is now, and I guarantee you they wont leave the lounge! but best to clean the upstairs light switches just in case right?

what are the chances they’ll look in my kitchen cupboards?

best alphabetize the soup.

Nazis, there home school liaison Nazis, must conform to every little detail my mind thinks of.

must turn the television onto the news channel and ignore the fact the cartoon network is usually on all day in our house.

put healthy snacks on the sideboard, hope they don’t see the disgusted look frys giving them.

speaking of fry, he needs a bath, is that a scratch on his face? oh god they’ll think I abuse him.

do I offer coffee? its rude not too, but then if I do I risk leaving them alone in my house where they could discover the dead body under the floorboards….

make myself a tea, relax, all the housework’s done, the kids are fine, everything’s going to be ok. its just a visit from people wanting some paperwork filled out.

just going to lock my sex dungeon…just incase..

Phone Elves.

im a girl of little friends.
I made a decision to stop drinking and going out and in the process I lost the majority of my friends.

shortly afterwards I found the internet, now im one of those people who blogs and tweets rather than partys and socialises.

you may call me boring (many do) but there are advantages to opening my life to phone elves.

1. you guys don’t make an almighty mess in my house and then fuck off leaving me to clean it all up. just because my house is clean doesn’t mean I enjoy doing it.

2. when you start to bore me I can close an app. this does not work with real people and closing doors. they don’t take to it too kindly.

3. I don’t have to get dressed in order to have a civil conversation.

4. I can recite a monologue while gorging on a double decker, and you’re none the wiser.

5. as your all the other end of a PC I like to imagine you all have alter egos, Irish cross dressers called mindy on a Tuesday? you know who you are.

6. I can be who I am. that’s odd isn’t it, most people pretend on the internet, I pretend in real life, pretend to be interested in what your saying, pretend to be normal.

7. theres always someone there for you at 4am, because that’s when your English friends are tucked up in bed, but your USA friends are out to play ;~)

8. I socialise all day every day with my “phone friends” and the OH cant complain because in not actually out.

9. im over opinionated, bitchy and outspoken, its nice to know someone always wants to know what I have to say, ive been saying that for years now.

I wouldn’t trade you virtu-buddies in for anyone.

ya’ll right you boring feckers.

zzzzzzz….

What the crap do my children have against sleep.

not sleep for themselves, ME SLEEPING! last night went like this;

 

go to bed

watch MOTD

Toes gets up; needs toilet, wonders around lost wants to watch a dvd.

go back to bed

Face wakes up, god knows what’s upset him, settles back down

I go back to bed

Fry wakes up….and up…and up…and up…

almost 3 hours later

I go back to cocking bed.

Face wakes up, puts PC on super loud.

BigDaddy leaves for work.

I get Face off to school.

my head hits the pillow

Fry wakes up.

 

honestly kids…

come the fuck on.

im having a nap.

My Week 19/05

long, tedious, dirty, awkward.

these are just some of the words id use to describe my week.

but

you’ve all herd enough of that for now, so im focusing on the good parts of it 🙂

I discovered Mocha Frappachinos at McDonalds….like omg….heaven….drools.

I did my part for protected species by rescuing this little fellow 🙂

hello Mr slowworm!

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I love slow worms. I love pretending to small children they are poisonous snakes and watching them run away at speed when I pick them up 😀

the lovely Miss Toes found a friend on our day out!

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which proceeded to smack my in the face with its arse all the way home!

charming.

when did it cost you £5 to buy a goddam balloon??? no one can say im not doing my bit to help the economy. on our day trip we also found a “cat mat” for Face, he loves it!

Im relaxing with you my bloggy friends while 2 strapping (fat) young lads dig up the end of my garden and then lay 2 tons of plum slate.

“im sorry are you thirsty? ill make teas when I get up”

the slate arrived half hour early yesterday morning, I detest that more than something getting here late. people seam to think theve done you a favour when actually I order it for that time because I have fucking stuff to do, not because I thought you needed a break.

anyway, its not been the best of weeks so ill leave you with that pathetic snippet of “good tings” and bid you farewell. to see you for a better week (I hope) tomorrow.